If you really knew me

There's been so much negativity running through my skull lately, I draw a blank when attempting to find any sense of what it all is.

In my life I've stepped on a lot of toes so to speak. I've had things stolen from me, I've stolen things out of spite. I've talked shit, in regards of having shit talked about me. But no more. I have decided to LOVE, everyone, to not spread hate and anger, but to spread understanding, and compassion. There is enough hate in this world, enough negativity cycing around. But I've decided, no longer.

If you really knew me you would know how harshly I criticize myself. How often I stare in the mirror running over all the petty things I hate about myself in my mind. How bad I feel sometimes when I feel like no ones cares about me, because I know I'm only thinking about myself, and that I'm not seeing all those people whom honestly love me so much more than I can understand. If you really knew me, you would know how selfish I feel wanting something good for myself even if other people around me are hurting. You would know that I still hate being who I am, the way I am. If you really knew me, you would know how badly I want to go back to doing things I used to, the drinking, getting high. Back when things were easier. But I've changed.

If your reading this, I would like to ask you to do something for me. End the cycle, be LOVE. Even through all the hate and negativity thats out there. See beyond it.

Somewhere in between

I swear to god I saw you driving today. Ever since I have been home I feel like you have been watching me.
Dreams of you brutally killing me. And now all this.
What the hell is going on?
I should feel comfort knowing you can't hurt me anymore. But something just doesn't feel right.

If you need romance, look in the mirror.

I have this ideal relationship in my brain of what kind of relationship I want. Maybe it's just basic programming, or me folding socities standards. But I have this standard of what a relationship between two people should look like, and thats what I want.

Allow me to elaborate.

I want a best friend, I want to spend every day with that guy. A romance in which we love each other so much we don't need to waste our time with pretty words and flowers. Because that's not something at all I'm interested in. Maybe its just something I know I can use to protect myself with. But I don't care. I'm not looking to fall into that love sick puppy cliche. I'm not looking for something serious. I'm looking for a casual fling. I don't want to spend everday being skeptical whether or not he is cheating on me. I don't want to spend every minute attatched to him. My independence is very important to me. I don't want to be tied down by some guy I secretly can't stand.

I want a friendship so strong, that a relationship is nothing but a side notion.

History of Job Corps:Part One

Juno was my first friend at Job Corps. We delt with the problems together. Then after a while it was Juno, Bryce, Cody(Code), and me.
I remember when Juno and I very first got to JC, we introduced ourselves(her real name is Julijanna) she told me to just call her Ju. I looked at her and said "No, I will feel religiously racist against you. Ju...no. Ohmygod! JUNO!!!"
We had some great times. "People don't forget." Juno ended up leaving the program after a while.
I got to become better friends with some other people like Amber Davis and Brayton Carbine and I guess some others that just didn't stick out as much.
Amber Davis was the best to be around. She would take care of everyone. She always wore her steel toe boots. Always. And her socks would get stuck in between her toes so she would shake her foot to move her sock, somehow it would work for her. I remember one time,right before christmas break waiting to go to the airport actually, we were walking and she went to shake her foot like always, and out of nowhere she just ate shit. I started laughing. She got up and I asked her if she was okay, she said she was fine. She said she had just slipped on some ice. When we were walking back I looked at where she had slipped, and there was no ice at all. That's when I learned about her sock getting stuck in between her toes.
Brayton Carbine....there is really so much to say about this individual. I miss this goof ball, he was one of my good friends. He would always tell me how dumb I was for thinking that I deserved to be treated like crap from some low-life piece of shit guy, and he was right. I just denied it being the stubborn person that I am. I remember running through the park with his hat, lol, he would get so mad. Until that one time he took my key.....jerk. And all those times he told me about the meat making process. Shit son, it's not my fault you're a veggie man. But man he ruin it for me every time. Those poor chickens. If you ever read this Brayton, do you remember that time when whatshisface went and turned on the sprinklers during the outside dance? That was epic. We went to prom together. And he had to wear those dorky ass glasses. Good lord. The best you can get with JC. All in all, he was one of the best friends anyone could ask for.

We have lost a lot, had a lot graduate, and gained a select few. JC is a work in progress.